Somebody

Do you know how much I love you?

It doesn’t really matter.
It doesn’t really matter when or how much.
I like staring at your innocent face when you’re asleep. You look at peace and vibrant nowadays. It gives me bliss as I watch you breathe or move a little bit as if I’m watching a baby in her element. 

I want to make things lighter for you and make sure that no matter what happens, I got you. I wanna let you feel that this world is not that cruel, that you can still trust and rest your heart with me, that it is calm and safe, that it’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes, that it’s okay to be at war with some things, that this world isn’t perfect — we’ll be hurt, we’ll cry, we’ll get disappointed, we’ll make mistakes, we’ll crumble, we’ll die and yet still be in love with a lot of stuff because that’s how I see the world now – that you can still be compassionate, that you can still be understanding, that you can still be accepting, tough, brave and kind. I hope you feel it through me for the world that I envision is a better world full of greater things in life, that the world can be caging, limiting but you can still be free and abundant with your own life. I want to share that environment with you. Anything is possible.

In the midst of it all, all the possibilities happened. Possibilities that never crossed my mind as I thought that we are going somewhere. How can this be? Things got complicated, confusing, chaotic, betrayals, revenge surfaced from the ground up affecting the peace, love, adoration we have as if the storms ruined a home we were building for each other, trust and faith flew with the irritating wind.

I hope you will not misunderstand the way I want to love you. I am not weak but yes I am vulnerable. I am not dumb nor stupid but I am forgiving and understanding. I am not just accepting but compassionate. I am not tolerating but I am kind. I am not stubborn but principled. I am not entitled but worthy. I am not moody but re-organizing. I am real, raw and true.

And I am deeply sorry, I failed you. I failed us. I failed to calculate and face the reality. I failed recognizing that everything was overwhelming. I have given too much. You have taken a lot. I failed to love myself by loving you too much causing you to unable to see my worth. I failed to accept that all the things I have given you were too unfamiliar peace, you’d rather choose the familiar chaos until you really choose to heal.

I see your flaws and I do not hate them. I want to love every version of you. I want to be the witness of every character that you’ll unlock, in every achievement that you’ll get, in every tears that you’ll stream, in every hurt that you’ll feel, in every disappointments or frustrations that will come, in every game that you’ll play, in every secret that you’ll keep and every truth that you’ll say. I want to a be a part of your every day, I want to be involved, I want to be somebody. 

And I did. I did witness them, all of you — all the darkness that you kept hidden which I still learn to accept, hate to say that I allowed and tolerated that eventually consumed my light. I had to leave, I had to run, I had to save myself for I cannot lose and die with you. You are suicidal and unconscious while I was trying to fight for our lives while holding you. I had to let go… I had to let go for you kept on looking back, pushing me away, frigidly lifeless and unwilling, while my grip started to lose, my heart in pain about to close as I see your light dim with all your monsters winning. I just realized you do not want saving… you do not need my embrace, you do not need my care, you do not need all these wonderful things for you chose weakness , your huge ego, you lack courage, and most of all, you lack love for yourself. The love I was giving you was not the love that you need. For you, it was too much as you cannot reciprocate it so you chose for the mediocrity and safe.

I wanna let you feel that you play an important role in this world especially in my life. That’s how much power you have that you can change someone’s life – you can shatter one’s world and give hope and rebuild it. And I know you realize that you can also do this in your own world, too – again and again. Would it be that awesome?

And you did. My life is forever changed. I learned that I deserve nothing but a love that is sure. A love that is willing, brave, and confident. A love that is proud to showcase me to the world, a love that gives security, a love that is honest, faithful, loyal and will not let me overthink things. A love that is not perfect but is enough, contented and intimate.

I can only hope that this goes on forever, you and I in this frequency – limitless; free where death and time aren not boundaries. They are just words.

It was stuck with hope. It ended before even progressing -ruined, crashed, detached and uncertain.

Will the universe still fight for our souls to be together?