Alter

I suffered from being too conscientious since I was a kid – to always be in the right, to always follow the crowd, to be resentful for my sins. I even listed down my “crimes” and asked forgiveness from “Jesus Christ” for the fear of not being accepted in heaven. Funny, this reminds me of Silas who inflicts himself physical pain for atonement and I feeding my thoughts garbages to slap myself from being a “sinner.”

When I got abused before I started my early education, I have committed a number of sins in my head – brutally killing my corrupted predator, thinking of clever ways on how to behead him while I imagined he would ask for my mercy.

For the first time in my life, my eyes became wide open to another dimension I did not know exist. Papa Jesus, where are you? Were you watching when that was happening? Have you seen us or seen me? Why did you not…?

Reality bit, I was just a lonely kid who was helpless, pathetic and unprotected. But one day, when I decided to salvage myself and atleast get even, I committed a mortal sin. I stole… his toy! My heart was outside of my chest beating, the heat of that 12 o’clock sun was my umbrella, and the trees were my silent witnesses, roaming chickens were the only ones wondering as I gather my might to cross their bamboo gate and sneak into his “batcave” and grabbed my target : his smallest dart pin because it’s so cute!

My life continued as I still followed the straight line, be a model student and an obedient daughter who did not speak ill against my parents or others. Once in a while,I just wanted to be the one who sticks pencil to her classmate’s eyes but in my reality, I was the one who always volunteered to teach my seat mate how to read when I was in 1st grade.

I have always believed in karma – that every wrongdoing that I have done has a consequence and another way of the universe to put me in my lane. I was so afraid that I won’t be accepted for who I was, a damaged kid who was experiencing an identity crisis.

But the truth is, no one understood me. Some people listen, yes. A few have seen me, only the first two layers, yes. Many have accepted my alter, yes. It is still a fact, nowadays, that no one has the capacity to expand their brain to bravely fill the recognition that I wanted. So, I’m just trying to acknowledge myself after a long cycle.

I have lived in the darkest parts of my being. I was indifferent for I did not care about the world itself but only my own. “F*ck y’all” was my mantra especially during my HS days as I took pleasure in my salutary selfish reasons why I did the things I do on the sideline. I was full of hate, despise or any word equivalent to that. I used to always run away when things get rough or circumstances get out of my control, lived to another world for I felt like I don’t belong –not here – atleast not here on Earth. I found the love of writing as to express every emotion my mouth cannot utter. Poems deemed interesting for I could always hide inside the lines and stanzas, articles were fascinating for I could always twist, create my own plot, conceal beneath the whole paragraph and turn every agony into comedy if I want to. I can always disguise a grin thru my compositions and insert the hurt in every cracks of the line. Unseen. People just saw the surface, they would always laugh and I made the world better by easing their suffering as I continue to be racked with pain of my own wanting.

Chaos and sadness were the usual foundation pretended to be happiness and bright and questions were constant. I have always felt that I was in a cycle of none, searching for meaning for every situation I was in, scrabbling around other people’s lives while entertaining myself with how my view is different from others, how stupid humans are , how cruel the world is and unaware – that I was alone navigating, figuring answers to my own interrogation.

There was something inside of me I cannot even name and there was a voice alongside of it anchoring the horrendous beast. I was too consumed by my own scars and emotions, I cared less until I found love and care through another person (who left as well). After a long time, I have felt the kid who was conscientious again, I was selfless but my old ways continued. That was not enough to satisfy how badly damaged I was. NO. It became addictive and hell, I wanted more!

As I continued my paradoxical life, I have grounded myself in love in different ways but the demons neath my core continued to follow in every person I met, I was looking outside. I was murdered multiple times and exchanged in between. My soul was drained and empty, I turned to god this time, different gods so I can learn and pick which divine aligns with me and who will graciously accept me, who can abundantly give me answers.

I have shredded a bit of my old skin and scraped my own dirt thru different karmas.

“You’re almost there.”

Still, I got tired and hopeless in seasons. Pain has been a friend and courage have always been a companion. Fear has been the voice. Slowly, I was laddering up and lived in different dimensions.

I just surrendered and accepted that everything is just an experience that everything is important but nothing matters. I have no identity, an anonymous incognito but I labeled myself to my given name and decided to live to it. I created a perception, how I wanted to be remembered and how I intend to see myself.

Love is the prize and Peace is the trophy. Contentment is a new discovery and light has been bright. I was a new person…

The biggest part of my ego died.

I started picking up every pieces of me that I have given away for free. Guilt became a nagger and I became Silas. This time was not enough and I have denied myself of the gratification. Eyes were wider, I saw through people under their masks and beyond physicality as I sauntered along every passing moment.

Monsters emerge when allowed and often, individuals mistake my kindness for weakness; I understand it as part of life intertwined with mine. The fusion of darkness and light, the Yin and Yang, is essential to the circle of life, and the concept of integration captivates me.

I cannot control this globe which has always been here before my physical body and I can just always alter me depending on what I want and where life takes me. I can only discover my own universe, reflect and deflect my energy, alchemize the pain, make lemonades with the lemons thrown, sway with the silence, harmonize with the birds, embrace the inviting air or just gaze outside my beautiful balcony either night or day and peacefully await for my ultimate corporal death as I enjoy my unbounded solitude with a cup of coffee.

Now, captivated by the journey of self and “I”, I bask in the beauty of the person I have become, like a gentle breeze dancing through a field of blooming flowers.

The truth is, life is a continuous, eternal voyage of solitude, marked by cycles of death and rebirth until my soul is completely liberated, unbound.