Saudade

I thought I have known better.

It’s a miracle I haven’t hundred percent lost my faith and hope for humanity. At one point, I felt like I am looking at the world where everyone cannot be trusted. Thus, I lean to myself – going back to trust my guidance.

“I don’t need anybody.”

All fingers pointing at me. Overwhelming.

Most of the times, I chose to keep quiet, talked to myself, fed the body, inhaled the vape poisoning me. Then waking up at the right side of the bed, I am on fire! The passion to create, to lead, to be productive, to live, to live runs through me.

Tell me what makes you sad.

I am getting back to self. I mean the “I” without w-t-h-o-u-t which felt new.How weird is that? To be so used surrounded by friends or loved ones felt strange whenever I sit with my self.

The sea within me is calmer now though it still carries the memory of the storm. Sometimes, I get to figure the reason why. Few times, I don’t and I don’t care at all and I let the demon play and consume me. We bond together and conquer the world with everything ugly. WOW. Then I will bubble wrap it inside a box with double sided tape, tie with orange ribbon then tuck inside the vault – locked.

Tell me you got my back.

I found it pathetic – it was a demand and I regret saying that. My big mouth.

My adjective is overwhelming and I just said it twice.

My head spins. I let it spin for now… until it stops on its own.